Primary Sources: Le Morte D’Arthur, Book I Chapter XV
Knights fighting kings and other knights goes on for a good long while. Ban and Bors, who for whatever reason haven’t ridden forth since pulling their men out of Bedegraine, now take the field and start smashing guys up and unhorsing them anew. Arthur rides around like a crazy guy with the only magic sword in the campaign, killing dozens. He even comes up against King Lot, briefly, and sticks him one good in the shoulder, so Lot calls another thirty-second timeout.
“Everybody huddle up,” says King Lot. “We are not winning like we oughta. This battle has stopped being fun.”
“This battle stopped being fun about four hours ago,” says Mister 100.
“The problem,” says King Lot, “is that we’re getting in one another’s way.” Everyone nods. “At the start of this battle we outnumbered them 3 to 1, and then for a while we outnumbered them 2 to 1, and right now we outnumber them 3 to 2. That is a bad trend. We’re getting humiliated here. So what we’ll do is, me and Mister 100 and three other kings will ride out with fifteen thousand men, and the rest of you and all the rest of the men will stay here and hold them, and we’ll circle all the way around, freshen up, and then when you’re at your most exhausted we’ll get them from the back, where there’s room. Otherwise we’re doomed, fellas.”
As they’re making ready to carry out this plan, which they don’t manage to pull off, one of the kings (technically the Duke of Cambenet but hey) starts a major advance aimed right at, it turns out, Sirs Lionses and Phariance, who get their butts kicked, until King Bors spots this happening and rides in to their rescue as all-fired-up as anyone has ever been about anything ever.
“Crap,” says King Lot. “I know that guy. That’s King Bors of France. Hell of a dude.”
“Shit,” says Mister 100.
“Shit is right,” says King Lot. “Well that explains how Arthur had fifty percent more knights than we were expecting. How’d he even get here? You’d think the king of Gaul would be in, you know, Gaul, not up in our grill.”
“I can tell you how he got here,” says Mister 100. “I can tell you in one word, two syllables. Merlin.”
“Well, hell,” says King Carados. “I’ll go kill Bors, give that a shot. If it looks like he’s kicking my ass, come rescue me, okay?”
And Carados rides up with a special high-speed high-impact slam-and-smash English-style cavalry charge, which Bors, being from France, was not expecting. However Bors is way more awesome than Carados, and sure enough Bors kicks his ass and Mister 100 has to ride in to the rescue. Mister 100 is basically the best knight on his side of the battle, Malory reminds us.
He may be my favorite character so far.
Primary Sources: Le Morte D’Arthur, Book I Chapter XV — No Comments
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