Primary Sources: Le Morte D’Arthur, Book X, Chapter 36
Morgan and one of her henchdamosels, Trudy, approach the tournament. They interview some of the knights Alisander defeated: Sir Elias from Gomeret and his colleague Sir Cari from Gomeret. Gomeret is “somewhere in France probably,” according to my very breezy Internet searching. These guys have nothing very interesting to say.
Then Morgan and Trudy interview a couple more knights, Sir Guy and Sir Garaunt, both from Camiliard, which Malory has confused with Cameliard, which is where Guenever is from, anyway, he says these two are Guenever’s cousins. He’s a master of throwing in entirely superfluous factoids.
“So to sum up what we’ve been told,” Trudy says to Morgan le Fay, “Sir Alisander, dim and easily-led though he is, should not be messed with, jousting-wise. Not in the Launcelot, Tristram, Lamorak leagues, maybe, but still. He’s up there.”
“Yeah, he’s absolutely our target,” agreed Morgan le Fay. “Now here’s my plan…”
We cut away to Sir Alisander, celebrating his tournament win, and not minding at all when a hot young damosel named Trudy approaches him all starry-eyed.
“Oh powerful knight, I think you should know that the terrible ogre Malgrin over in the neighboring kingdom has declared that I am never to become married,” she says. “No kisses, no pets, no caresses, from me to any winner of any tournament, at least until someone has done the right thing and jousted him. Wilt thou for my sake joust?” I think it’s safe to assume she makes kissy-faces at him.
“Yeah!” cries Alisander. “Heck yeah. Just name the time and place and I’m there!”
Trudy whistles, and up pops Malgrin, ready to go; he was at her commandment, says Malory.
To make a long jousting story a somewhat shorter jousting story, Alisander dehorses Malgrin. Malgrin demands the joust continue on foot. Alisander agrees to this. Malgrin reveals that while he’s a crap jouster when it comes to the horseback part, few can stand against him when it comes time for the ogre-raining-down-blows-with-a-sword part.
Malgrin wounds Alisander, wounds him again, wounds him a third time. Malory tells us in the same breath that Alisander takes many blows from Malgrin, such that it’s a wonder he can stand, and also that the fight is a draw. Hours pass.
“Thirty second time out,” says Malgrin. “I never caught your name, it occurs to me.”
“Bah,” spits Alisander. “I never threw it. Now you tell me, who are you and what’s your deal?”
“Oh, you know,” says Malgrin. “I’m into Trudy, and she keeps getting me to kill guys for her, and also sometimes I kill guys just for funsies.”
“So God me help, this is the foulest confession that ever I heard knight make, nor ever heard I speak of other men of such a shameful confession, wherefore it were great pity and great shame unto me that I should let thee live any longer, therefore keep thee as well as ever thou mayest, for as I am true knight, either thou shalt slay me or else I shall slay thee, I promise thee faithfully!”
Malgrin finds this a little unfair. If he’s the worst person Alisander has ever met, then maybe that just means Alisander hasn’t met many people.
But anyway, they fight some more, and Alisander decapitates Malgrin. Then he keels over. The dude bleeds from over a dozen different wounds, several of them probably lethal.
“C’mon, Trudy,” says Morgan le Fay as she leaps from her hiding place. Together the Queen and her henchdamosel haul the dying Alisander onto a litter, and drag him back to Morgan’s nearest castle.
Primary Sources: Le Morte D’Arthur, Book X, Chapter 36 — No Comments
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