Isoud leaves, but her dog stays with Tristram, and barks at anyone who comes near. This includes King Mark and Sir Andred, who come to visit “Naked Hermit Hero Man” not long after Isoud goes.

“Look, sire, the queen’s brachet bays for him! You think he might be Tristram?” Andred asks.

“Nah,” says Mark. “Tristram’s dead, right? Good fellow,” he adds, turning to Tristram. “We haven’t been formally introduced. Might I know your name?”

“Indeed,” says Tristram. “I am Sir Tristram of Liones! Andred was right! How do you like me now!”

“Holy ——!” swears Mark. “Why did I invite you into Tintagil, jeez, I shoulda just left you in the woods oh man oh man!” Mark cringes and fidgets in the least kingly way possible.


Mark calls in all his barons, and holds a roundtable discussion on the matter of Tristram. Mark wants to put him to death, but he’s in the minority. Mostly the barons — including Sir Fergus, Sir Dinas, et cetera — like having Tristram out there as a shining beacon of Cornish might. A compromise is reached: banishment. Tristram meets up with Sir Dinadan (not to be confused with Sir Dinas or Sir Dinant), a knight from Camelot, who agrees to escort him to Arthur’s court.


On his way out of Cornwall, Tristram gives a little speech, the salient points of which follow.

1) You people are idiots.

2) I killed Sir Marhaus for y’all.

3) Also I freed us from paying taxes to Ireland.

4) King Mark is a jackass. You all know it!

5) I brought the lovely Isoud, whom practically everyone agrees is the hottest lady in Christendom, to our shores.

6) That included saving her from the dungeons of Castle Weeping.

7) You haven’t seen the last of me, jerks.

8) Remember when, for the sake of goodwill between Cornwall and Ireland, I fought Sir Bleoberis Launcelot-Cousin on King Anguish’s behalf?

9) I also pounded on Sir Lamorak a bunch.

10) And I beat Mister 100 — the Great Welsh Hope — during that whole Servage fiasco.

11) Also the King of Northgalis, in an adventure Malory didn’t bother to tell anyone about.

12) Just now I killed Tauleas!

13) I will be back and it will suck for my enemies and the Knights of the Round Table could have beaten you guys up at any point; they only didn’t yet as a favor to me. You guys suck, this is unfair, total BS!

14) Oh, also I saved the queen from Sir Palomides. I almost forgot that one.


Then Tristram goes aboard the boat and sails off in a huff.  And in a boat.


Primary Sources: Le Morte D’Arthur, Book IX Chapter 22 — No Comments

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