Be warned: this chapter is the worst chapter for the ladies in a long while.



While Arthur is recuperating in the abbey, Morgan le Fay is back at Camelot, checking her calendar against her timetable.  She had this whole scheme plotted out, you see, and she would have gotten away with it if Nimue hadn’t appeared in Chapter X and cast one spell and then left again.  Morgan doesn’t know Nimue did anything, so, she figures Arthur must be dead by now.

She checks in on her husband, who’s taking a nap, and calls in Mildred.

“Mildred, go fetch my husband’s sword.  I want to use it to murder him.”

“Dearest Ladyship, that seems like a bad plan —“

“Don’t care.  Sword me.”  She holds out one hand and snaps her fingers with the other.  “Chop chop.”


Mildred nods, slowly, and backs out of the room, and then rushes to find Sir Uwaine, Morgan’s son.  He’s also napping.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking that if Uriens and Uwaine are asleep, it’s probably night (which makes sense anyhow as a logical time for Morgan to decide to murder Uriens) and I’m being unfair in characterizing them as napping.  To which I say: you don’t know Malory.  He specified that this was happening during the day, just for laughs I guess.  He doesn’t usually specify when things are happening.

So in the meanwhile, Mildred is waking up Sir Uwaine, she’s telling him about how his mother Morgan has gone loco, and how Morgan plans on murdering Uriens.

“Right, okay,” says Uwaine.  “I’m on it.”

Mildred then goes and fetches Uriens’s sword, which is all pointy and scary and phallic and she’s scared to hold it on account of she’s a woman, Jesus Malory, what did women ever do to you?  Morgan isn’t afraid, Morgan takes the sword from Mildred and pulls it from its sheathe and sneaks into Uriens’s bedroom.  She’s raising the sword, she’s preparing to strike, he’s just snoring away…

And boom!  Uwaine from out of nowhere grabs her arm!  “What the hell, Mom?  What the hell?  If you weren’t my mother I’d take this sword and cut your head off!  Why are you trying to kill Dad?  You’re making me empathize with Merlin!  By which I mean Merlin’s mother was wed to the Devil, and my father in this analogy is Merlin’s mother I AM CALLING YOU EVIL MOM! What the hell?”

“Shh,” says Morgan.  “You’ll wake your father.”

Uriens rolls over in his sleep.

“Mommy just had a crazy moment, like ladies get sometimes, honey.  Shh.  Let’s both put the sword down and I promise I’ll never try to murder your father again.”

“Well, okay,” says Uwaine.

“Shh, it’s okay honey, Mommy still loves you, now you don’t tell anyone about this, okay?”

“…Yeah, okay, Mom.”  So Sir Uwaine doesn’t tell anyone about the incident or act against Morgan le Fay.


Primary Sources: Le Morte D’Arthur, Book IV Chapter XIII — No Comments

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