Primary Sources: Le Morte D’Arthur, Book IV Chapter I continued
Launcelot is the best, you guys, you don’t even know. You don’t. You might think you do, but, man. Malory loves him some Launcelot. Right now Launcelot, prince of Benwick, is just a kid, however. An awesome kid, but still.
Merlin claps Li’l Launcelot on the back and tells Elaine “I know this war with Claudas isn’t going well, and maybe you think Arthur should send some military support what with the alliance against Team Lot & Mister 100 and all, but you listen, in twenty years or so Launcelot here will be basically the best knight ever and he’ll win the war against Claudas, I promise. This a Merlin Solid Lock-of-the-Week prediction. Also his name is Launcelot.”
“I know his name is Launcelot, Merle, you’re not making a whole lot of sense,” says Elaine.
“I’m just demonstrating how Merlin I am,” says Merlin. “You know they say my mother was wed to the devil?”
“I have heard that,” Elaine admits.
“Merlin, c’mon, you’re being weird again,” says Nimue.
“One more thing!” says Merlin. “Then we can go visit Cornwall and finally be wed!”
Nimue visibly shudders at the thought, but Merlin is on a roll.
“Now Launcelot, here, that’s actually his middle name,” says Merlin.
“That’s true,” Elaine says, impressed. “We call him Launcelot, but his first name…”
“His first name is Galahad,” says Merlin.
“Wow! Guessing my son’s first name! That’s quite a trick!” says Elaine.
“You are very easily impressed. That is like the least impressive trick I have seen Merlin do in the last month,” says Nimue.
“So your prophecy is that he’ll grow up to be a great knight?” Elaine asks Merlin.
“The greatest!” cries Merlin. “And to answer the question you’re about to ask, yes, you get to live to see it.”
Afterwards Merlin and Nimue do go to Cornwall, and Merlin is like, let’s fool around, and Nimue is like, no, not so much. She keeps trying to ditch Merlin, and he keeps using his magic powers to show up again — she ducks out of the back of nightclubs, she checks out of hotels in the middle of the night, that sort of thing — and he won’t leave her alone or take no for an answer. He doesn’t deceive her or force himself on her, so, one up on some people, but Nimue is not having a very good time and she is not coming around and Merlin is not taking the hint. She has a great deal of respect for his incredible magic powers, she says, but she also finds him weird and gross and he’s the spawn of the devil, so she does not want to sleep with him very much.
Finally one day they’re out touring the magic lakes of Cornwall, and Merlin says, check this out, and points to a rock.
“What am I looking at here, Merlin?” asks Nimue. “I’m not going to turn around and find you’ve taken your clothes off, again, am I?”
“No, no, no,” says Merlin. “This is a magic rock, it’s very impressive actually, you can go inside it. There’s a magic cave in there.”
“Really?” asks Nimue.
“Yes, of course, while you’re in there you wouldn’t want anyone to put a stone on top of it and seal up the entrance that way,” Merlin continues.
“Of course,” says Nimue.
“Anyone in the rock when something like that happened, well, they’d be trapped for the rest of this novel at least. You can’t teleport without error out of it, or plane shift either.”
“You want to go in and make out in the magic cave?”
“Not so much with the makeouts,” says Nimue. “But I would sort of like to see the inside of a rock, that sounds pretty magical.”
“Oh, it is!”
“You go first, though. So I can see how you get in there.”
So Merlin magicks himself into the rock, and Nimue grabs a stone and sticks it on top of the rock, and then she breathes a sigh of relief because she’s finally free of the creepy old man who’s been bugging her all this time.
And that’s it for Merlin, barring a few continuity errors and flashbacks! Farewell, Merlin!
OMG YOU GUYS IT’S LAUNCELOT.
For some reason I can’t help picturing Merlin and Nimue in this as Jeffery Jones and Mia Sara as they looked in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.