Primary Sources: Le Morte D’Arthur, Book II Chapter XV
Nir asked a while back whether Balin’s madcap rampage against common sense was ever going to go anywhere, whether there was some big-deal climax that was coming, or whether the story of the Idiot Knight is just a series of events that happened. If there’s a climax, it’s happening today. If this counts. If you think this shouldn’t count, I sympathize, but you came to the wrong place, then, when you decided to learn about Sir Thomas Malory’s great novel.
So as you would probably expect, there’s a mad scramble to get Balin and kill him, with all of the knights present throwing themselves at him, and since he’s outnumbered something like fifty to one (or fifty to two, counting Susie, who is trying to sidle away to the exit) they grab him pretty effortlessly.
King Pellam, the slain knight’s brother, rises to his feet. “What the hell, guy?”
“He was evil!” cries Sir Balin. “I did you a favor!”
“That was my brother! You realize we’re going to kill you for this, right?” Pellam asks him.
“Really?” asks Sir Balin. He’d sort of hoped they wouldn’t. “Okay, then, come at me bro!”
“You know what?” says Pellam. “I was going to let one of my men here do it, but you’re a jackass. I’m going to kill you myself.” And Pellam draws his sword (he’s the king so gets to have one even at a no-weapons party) and makes to chop Balin’s head off.
Balin parries the blow, using his nonmagical sword, which keeps him alive but pieces of his nonmagical sword go flying off every which way.
What follows is best envisioned as set to the tune of Yakkity Sax: Balin runs through the castle, Pellam chasing him. Pellam’s men are all cheering him on, and Balin is trying desperately to find something to fight Pellam with, another sword or something, but there aren’t any weapons around. Balin picks up various objects, chairs and things, and tries to parry with them, but Pellam chops through them all.
This goes on for a while.
Finally Balin bursts into a chapel. This is a special chapel, is King Pellam’s chapel. It is not a chapel such as Balin has ever seen before. It’s all gold and rich red and purple cloth, and a chaise lounge of the most sumptuous upholstery possible to imagine, with a mysterious figure lying on it. There may be other items in this room — cough cough grail cough — but Balin ignores all of that. His eye goes immediately to the golden table with the silver legs, upon which sits a spear labeled +3 spear of Longinus. Balin grabs the spear, spins around, and strikes Pellam most dolorously, right in the crotch.
“Arglebargle!” cries Pellam, and collapses.
“Hah!” says Balin. He feels pretty pleased with himself, and would probably laugh longer, except that just then the entire castle collapses, slaying almost everyone inside. Susie, the knights, Raul with the dying son, all of them, killed nearly instantly. Balin, Pellam, and the whole room they’re in get crushed, and nothing happens on the site for three days and three nights.
So that happened.
Oh, foolish NPCs, leaving around powerful magic items instead of carrying them on their persons. But Balin showed ’em what for!
Three days and three nights, eh? So is someone going to rise from the dead with a spearhole in his
side, I mean crotch? (Told you I don’t know html)
Wait, that would be three days and two nights..never mind.