Then they left that ship, and boarded the one Nacien gave them, and it magically propelled itself to the next stage of the quest: somewhere in Scotland, at a castle that men call Carteloise.

“Just so you know,” said Mags, “in a minute a bunch of guys are going to attack us because you’re affiliated with Camelot.”

“No problem,” said Galahad. “We’re on the Grail quest! A bunch of guys will break before us like surf on the rocks.”

Sure enough, the people here were not fans of King Arthur. When Galahad told the castle’s inhabitants they were from Camelot, next thing you know there was a fight scene. Blah blah blah fight scene, the good guys suffered zero casualties and the all the enemy knights were killed. There was a big pile of bodies.

“Aw, dang it,” said Bors afterwards. “Either we’ve committed terrible sins by just straight up murdering a whole castle’s worth of knights, or else…” Bors struggled to come up with an alternative. “Maybe they were all people God hated, so it’s okay, and we were just delivering God’s vengeance.”

“Hey no,” protested Galahad. “You know as well as I do that only God is allowed to deliver God’s vengeance.”

“…I’m not sure that’s a legitimate reason to dispute what I just said.”

And then Nacien showed up, ready to give the knights Mass! Nacien was… he was kind of taken aback by all the corpses.

Galahad kneeled, and pulled off his helmet, and motioned for Percivale and Bors to do the same (they did). “I know, I know, the dead bodies thing looks bad, but it was only because we’re from Camelot. These guys attacked us, self-defense, that sounds plausible right?”

“It’s not a problem,” Nacien assured him. “These guys weren’t even baptized. They were basically non-people. See, this castle used to belong to Lord Earl Hernox, until recently. Hernox had three sons and a daughter, and those sons really loved the daughter. I mean, they really loved the daughter, like, in the unhealthy way. I’m not going to use the word, but it rhymes with Corn Fest.”

Bors sucked the air in between his teeth, which made a hissing sound. “Whoa.”

“I know, right? She complained to her father, and then the sons killed her for telling someone. Then they clapped the father in irons, and just started killing people randomly. Mostly randomly. Priests more than not.”


“I was just hearing the final deathbed confession of Hernox, in fact, before I came over here. He was all don’t worry Nacien, God has explained to me that three holy servants of the Lord will come and slay my wicked sons. And by this may ye wit that Our lord is not displeased with your deeds.

“Wait, I was right about the divine vengeance thing?” Bors was kind of taken aback. He’d just been spitballing, after all.

Meanwhile, Galahad was visibly relieved. “I can kill bad people all I want and I remain holy! Hurrah!”

Then Hernox himself was led out, in chains. He was dying, but he recognized Galahad immediately on account of an angel told him Galahad would be coming! He thanked Galahad for being so knightly, and then he died.


In which the Grail knights kill a bunch of dudes — No Comments

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