Scene shift, new scene, here we go. Breunor and Marcie and Launcelot rode until they came to a village built around a fortified bridge, over a big river. The folks who operated the bridge saw Marcie’s black shield, and declared that because of the shield, they would be allowed over the bridge only one at a time.

“I’m not saying we’re doing this to separate you for ambush,” said the village headman. “I’m just saying, we’re going to ambush you.”

Launcelot volunteered to go first, but Breunor asked to be allowed to go first instead, what with this being his first strange adventure and all. Launcelot was okay with it.

Inside the bridge, sure enough, three knights attacked Breunor. Brothers, named Sir Plaine the Forceful, Sir Plaine the Lusty, and Sir Plenorius. Breunor fought them two at a time, then all three, finally it was just him and Plenorius battering one another for hours. Marcie and Launcelot watched.

“I’m worried he’ll hurt himself,” said Marcie.

“He’s Sir Ill-Fitting Suit! He’s got this,” said Launcelot. “He’s got this right proper.”

Despite Launcelot’s endorsement, Breunor eventually went down! He collapsed, overcome with exhaustion. His opponent, Sir Plenorius, had pity of him. “Listen, kid, you did your best. If you hadn’t already been tired from fighting my two brothers Sir Plaine and Sir Plaine, this probably would have gone the other way. I beat you, but you shouldn’t feel too bad about it.”

Then Sir Plenorius scooped up Breunor, and carried him off to a tower, where he was washed and fed and given leeches and so on.

Gradually Breunor regained consciousness, and learned that he lost the joust. “Jeez, Sir Plenorius, you’d better get back to the bridge on the double-quick, you know? There was another knight with me. Did you forget?”

“I did forget, yeah, actually,” said Plenorius. “What’s his name, this other knight?”

“He’s traveling incognito.”

“One of those guys, huh?” Plenorius doesn’t think much of traveling incognito.

“Plenorius!” came a shout from outside the tower. Launcelot! He’d crossed the bridge already, come to rescue Breunor. “Turn over Sir Ill-Fitting Suit, or come down and joust! Either one is fine!”

Plenorius opted to joust. They jousted, and oh what a joust it was jeez Malory goes on about it for a while. Eventually Launcelot won, because Launcelot always won. Then three of Plenorius’s comrades came in, Sir Pillounes, Sir Pellogris, and Sir Pallandris. Launcelot jousted all three of them, beating them easily. At last Launcelot could free Sir Breunor and all of Sir Plenorius’s other prisoners, including King Carados of Scotland.

At this point I think Malory is just messing with me, with Carados all of a sudden being the king of Scotland. Of all the places he could be king of, Scotland is one of the ones that makes the least amount of sense. Go back and review the various mentions of Carados, that slippery Pete, and confirm with me: Scotland? No way!

Nevertheless, Launcelot tried to give Breunor the tower, the village, and the fortified bridge as a present. Breunor refused, on the grounds that they were all Sir Plenorius has. Plenorius agreed to present himself to King Arthur next Pentecost, and everyone enjoyed a big party.

It was such a big party that Sir Kay came all the way out from Camelot to cater it, along with his latest butler-assistant, Sir Brandiles. Afterwards, by which I mean a couple of weeks afterwards, they headed back to Camelot all together. On the way they stopped by Castle Pendragon and seized it from Sir Brian of the Isles. Launcelot set up Sir Nerovens (who I guess had been just hanging around outside Castle Pendragon waiting for them?) as the head of the castle, but gave the castle and lands themselves to Sir Breunor, such that Breunor became Nerovens’ direct supervisor.

I guess you can do that when you’re Sir Launcelot, the Best Knight!

Eventually everyone made it back to Camelot. Arthur covered Sir Ill-Fitting Suit in riches, and made him and Sir Plenorius both knights of the Round Table. Breunor and Marcie got married, and Marcie got a third nickname, Sweet Living, which sounds more like what you’d call your boat than your wife.

According to Malory everyone lived happily ever after, and also Sir Breunor avenged his father’s death. Malory completely forgot to include that, in his recounting of Breunor’s adventures. It was the reason Breunor appeared in Camelot in the first place, as well as why he wore the titular ill-fitting suit, and so on, but Malory deemed it less interesting than all Marcie’s nicknames and Sir Mordred appearing from nowhere and so on.

Thus ends the Tale of Sir Ill-Fitting Suit! No moral.


In which Sir Launcelot crosses a bridge — No Comments

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