New story! Once upon a time there was a Hungarian knight named Sir Urre, who fought with a Spanish knight named Sir Alphegus, at Alphegus’s father’s tournament. Urre killed Alphegus, but Alphegus had a death-curse, on account of his mother was a sorceress. As he died, Alphegus inflicted seven great wounds, three on the head and four on his body and left hand onto Urre. These wounds wouldn’t heal, on account of magic, until they were touched by the best knight of the world.

Urre, with his mother and his sister Felelolie (whose name looks like a typo) criss-crossed all of Europe, looking for a magic cure for Urre’s magic unhealing wounds. What with one thing and another, one Pentecost they arrived at Camelot. Arthur heard their story, and agreed to attempt to heal Urre’s wounds. As per his usual method, he instructed all of his knights to likewise try, if he failed.

“Don’t think, that if I fail to heal him, and then you heal him, don’t think I’m going to be mad. Way back in Book II we had a situation kind of like this, and I’ll say again what I said then: may the best knight come forward and do his duty!”

Malory explains that of the hundred and fifty spots at the Round Table, forty of them were either unoccupied at the moment or else those knights were absent; at Camelot at this time were one hundred and ten knights. Malory then proceeds to list them off, which normally I would skip over but this list is just a thing of beauty guys.

LIST OF KNIGHTS WHO TRY AND FAIL TO HEAL SIR URRE’S WOUNDS WITH A TOUCH

  1. King Arthur (actually, the wounds do close, but then several of them reopen)
  2. King Clarence of Northumberland, longtime enemy of Arthur
  3. Mister 100, the Great Welsh Hope
  4. King Uriens of Gore, Arthur’s favorite brother-in-law
  5. King Anguish of Ireland, father of the lovely Isoud
  6. King Nentres, Arthur’s other brother-in-law
  7. Old King Carados, another longtime rival
  8. Duke “the Other Galahad” Galahad, not to be mistaken for Sir Galahad the Mary Sue
  9. Sir Constantine of Cornwall, Arthur’s acting king back when Arthur was busy invading Italy
  10. the Duke of Clarance, nothing special about him
  11. Earl Ulbause, ditto
  12. Earl Lambaile, ditto
  13. Earl Aristause, ditto
  14. Sir Gawaine, Arthur’s nephew
  15. Sir Gingalin (Gawaine’s eldest son)
  16. Sir Florence (Gawaine’s middle son, different mother than Gingalin)
  17. Sir Lovel (Gawaine’s youngest son, Florence’s brother)
  18. Sir Agravaine, Gawaine’s brother
  19. Sir Gaheris, Gawaine’s brother
  20. Sir Mordred, Gawaine’s half-brother and Arthur’s son
  21. Sir Gareth, aka Prettyboy
  22. Sir Lionel, Launcelot’s nephew
  23. Sir Ector the Lesser, Lionel’s brother
  24. Sir Bors, Lionel’s other brother
  25. Sir Blamore, both Bors’s and Launcelot’s cousin
  26. Sir Bleoberis, Blamore’s brother
  27. Sir Gahalantine, from Benwick
  28. Sir Galihodin, also from Benwick
  29. Sir Menaduke, also from Benwick
  30. Sir Villiars the Valiant, also from Benwick
  31. Sir “Famous” Hebes, former courier
  32. Sir Sagramour the Lusty
  33. Sir Dodinas the Thug
  34. Sir Dinadan, Tristram’s ex-sidekick, although supposedly it was at about this point that Mordred and Agravaine were supposed to have murdered him, according to Malory back in Book X.
  35. Sir Breunor, the Knight in an Ill-Fitting Suit
  36. Sir Kay, Arthur’s brother
  37. Sir “Stranger” Kay, no relation
  38. Sir Meliot, Nimue’s cousin
  39. Sir Petipase of Winchelsea
  40. Sir Galleron of Galway
  41. Sir Melion of the Mountain
  42. Sir Cardok
  43. Sir “Good Uwaine” Uwaine, the late Sir Uwaine’s half-brother with the same name
  44. Sir “Big Heart” Ozanna
  45. Sir Astamor
  46. Sir Gromere Grummorson
  47. Sir Crosshelm
  48. Sir Servause the Bruce, who one time had dinner just him and Nimue and Sir Launcelot, and you just know he never shuts up about it
  49. Sir Aglovale, Percivale’s less accomplished brother
  50. Sir Durnore, Percivale’s least accomplished brother
  51. Sir Tor, Percivale’s most accomplished brother after the late Sir Lamorak
  52. Sir Griftlet the Caterer
  53. Sir Lucan the Other Caterer
  54. Sir Bedivere, who was Lucan’s brother I bet you didn’t know
  55. Sir Brandiles, Yet Another Caterer, who always manages to edge his way into the group photos
  56. Sir Constantine, did I mention him? I did, he was number nine. Well, he bears repeating. Same guy.
  57. Sir Clegis
  58. Sir Sadok, the Vulcan
  59. Sir Dinas, Mark’s reluctant seneschal, from Cornwall
  60. Sir Fergus, Tristram’s sidekick
  61. Sir Driant, also from Cornwall
  62. Sir Lambegus, Tristram’s other sidekick
  63. Sir Clarrus of Cleremont
  64. Sir Cloddrus
  65. Sir Hectimere
  66. Sir Edward of Carnavon
  67. Sir Dinas, but not the same Sir Dinas as number 59 above; this one is Sir Edward’s brother, also of Carnavon
  68. Sir Priamus, the one that Gawaine converted to Christianity in Book V, or was it Tristram, Malory forgets; also he’s related to Edward and Dinas too, even though he’s Italian and a former Muslim and not from Carnavon at all.
  69. Sir Hellaine le Blank, Sir Bor’s son (or daughter) by Princess King-Brandegore’s-Daughter
  70. Sir Brian de Listinoise
  71. Sir Gautere, from Book VI
  72. Sir Reynold, also from Book VI
  73. Sir Gillemere, also from Book VI, you remember, Launcelot beat them up while disguised as Kay
  74. Sir “Little” Guyart
  75. Sir Bellangere le Beuse, and oh, that reminds Malory of a story: this guy Bellangere is the son of Sir Alisander, whose tale Malory recounted in a flash-forward. Now Malory explains that Alisander was killed by King Mark, around the same time that King Mark murdered Sir Tristram, which, didn’t Malory mention that happened? Anyway. Mark killed Alisander, Mark killed Tristram, the lovely Isoud cried, Bellangre killed Mark and also Sir Andred, that little shit.
  76. Sir “Not so Famous” Hebes
  77. Sir Morganore
  78. Sir Sentraile, from Britannia
  79. Sir Suppinabilis
  80. Sir Bellangere the Proud, not the same guy as Bellangere le Beuse
  81. Sir Neroveus
  82. Sir Plenorius
  83. Sir Darras
  84. Sir Harry of Spaniel Lake
  85. Sir Erminide, the brother of King Hermance, whom you might remember from Palomides’s little side-adventure late in Book X
  86. Sir Selises of the Dolorous Tower
  87. Sir Edward of Orkney
  88. The Other Red Knight
  89. Sir Arrok de Grevaunt
  90. Sir Degrane Saunce Velany, he’s got this whole other story that Malory sadly doesn’t have time to go into
  91. Sir Epinogris
  92. Sir Pellas the Good, Nimue’s husband
  93. Sir Lamiel of Cardiff who’s great in bed
  94. Sir Plaine de Fors
  95. Sir Melleaus de Lile
  96. Sir “Strong Heart” Bohart aka Borre who was another one of Arthur’s illegitimate children by Lionors the Forest Treasure
  97. Sir Mador de la Porte who accused Guenever earlier
  98. Sir Colgrevance who Sir Lionel definitely killed so I don’t know what’s up with that
  99. Sir Hervis of the Thuggish Woods
  100. Sir Marrok, another great story Malory doesn’t have time for, he was a werewolf
  101. The Indigo Knight
  102. The Green Knight
  103. The Red Knight (not to be confused with the Other Red Knight, who got listed first for some reason)

All these hundred knights and ten searched Sir Urre’s wounds by the commandment of King Arthur,” says Malory.

“Dude!” says I. “It was only a hundred and three, and also you counted a few of them twice, and also at least one of them was dead.”

“I said a hundred and ten knights and I stand by that claim!”

You might have noticed one name not on that list: Sir Launcelot! He was out on an unspecified strange adventure, and didn’t return until after every other knight had tried and failed to magically heal Sir Urre. (Personally, I would have guessed that Sir Bors could do it; after the Grail quest he’s been suggested to have magical powers.)

After hearing the story, Sir Launcelot didn’t want to try to heal Urre because so many others had failed and Launcelot was so humble. Arthur commanded him to try, same as everyone else. Launcelot healed Urre through the power of prayer and also laying of hands. Everyone celebrated, and there was a big jousting tournament, because that’s how you celebrate. Urre and Lavaine won, and then Lavaine married Urre’s sister Felelolie. (JOUSTING TOURNAMENT 37!)

As we fade to black, the camera lingers on Sir Agravaine, glaring at Guenever and Launcelot sitting a little too close together. Also, at Nimue’s urging, Sir Pellas announced his immediate retirement from the Round Table. He and Nimue planned to retire together; they wanted someplace nice and quiet compared to how Camelot was about to be. Israel, maybe.

There’s a whole long series of strange adventures that Sir Launcelot does in between scenes here in Book XIX, says Malory, but if you want to read about them you can just read Christian de Troyes, same as he did before he lost his notes. Now Malory wants to start the big finish: the DEATH OF ARTHUR!


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In which Malory impresses us all with a very long list of knights, including continuity errors — No Comments

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