Ferdinand hook
(Begin music.)
V.O.
Ferdinand Klotz was born in the waning hours of the Carter presidency, back when Saturday Night Live was funny and Star Wars was cool. After an unremarkable infancy, he thrilled his mother by learning to walk unassisted and speak polysyllabic words; these feats would be his high-water mark for the first years of his life. In 1987 he was diagnosed with an unusual and extreme form of colorblindness, a condition which went unnoticed for so long in large part due to the monochromatic décor of his parents’ home.
(Li’l Ferdinand toddling around a sumptuous, but black-and-white, ranch home.)
V.O.
After a freespirited game of Tag resulted in Margarethe Coracelli’s trip to the hospital, Ferdinand’s sixth-grade elementary school class was punished by a day spent watching a marathon of Thin Man movies, and the witty banter of William Powell and Myrna Loy changed his life forever.
(Child Ferdinand watching rapt, as After the Thin Man plays on a 15″ television screen and a VHS tape. All around him the other children are sitting with their heads down napping.)
MYRNA LOY (off-screen): Are you packing?
WILLIAM POWELL (off-screen): Yes, dear, I’m putting away this liquor.
V.O.
Having found his calling, Ferdinand produced eleven films in junior high school and high school, to mixed reviews.
(Child Ferdinand berating a slightly younger child. No audio. Ferdinand is holding a VHS camcorder, and the other child is wearing a tricorner hat and an eyepatch.)
(Child Ferdinand, interviewed by local television soft-news journalist. Child Ferdinand is wearing an ugly green and orange striped shirt.)
CHILD FERDINAND: I, like, see my ovey-your as being, like, the plight of the modern junior high student. I mean, like, nobody asked us whether Iraq should have invaded Kuwait, or like, whether Pizza Friday should switch with Hot Chicken Tuesday. You know?
V.O.
After four years at NYU, Ferdinand’s big break was a five-part documentary series for the fledgling Independent Film Channel, entitled Aphids.
(Grotesquely garish and miscolored clip from Aphids. No audio. A grizzled farmer is showing the camera his boysenberry orchard, which has been ruined by aphids. Due to color problems, the farmer appears to have purple skin and red eyes.)
The films never aired.
(Ferdinand, now in an adult version of his ugly green and orange striped shirt, having coffee with a bored-looking girl his own age.)
FERDINAND: The world just wasn’t, like, ready for a savvy, ironic look at the harsh realities of boysenberry farming, I mean, art is always, like, ahead of its time…
V.O.
Currently between projects, Ferdinand lives with his parents. He divides his time between drumming up funding for a planned documentary on a twenty-four hour convenience store, skeet shooting, and the game.
(Ferdinand speaking directly to the camera.)
FERDINAND: I joined the game because it’s, like, real. It’s like cinema verite, but it’s not, but it’s like that. It’s cinema verite verite. Quasi-cinema. Meta-storytelling. Psuedo-real penulti-, like, fiction. Superfiction. But real. But not.
(The part of Ferdinand Klotz is played by Owen Wilson. I’d originally thought Luke Wilson, but Owen has more of the right kind of energy to him.)