Sometimes I write things

Open with shot of graph paper, blank. Stop-motion animation, pencilled dungeon map grows organically across the sheet. Four small pewter miniatures slide (stop-motion) across the map.

PULL BACK to reveal:

LAURO BASEMENT

OLIVER, CASSIE, ALVIN, ANDREW, and FERDINAND are seated around the table, which is covered with scraps of paper, dice, pencils et cetera. The centerpiece is the map with figures seen before.

OLIVER: So after defeating the gynosphinxes and their medusa ally you’re descending to the fifth level of Blackstork Dungeon? Or do you want to go hunting for the eryines that got away?

(As OLIVER speaks, images of a gynosphinx, medusa, and eryines slide translucently across the screen, each in turn.)

ANDREW: What about the kelpie?

ALVIN: We got the kelpie.

OLIVER: Okay, downstairs there’s room with a flaming brassiere and a bat-winged, naked succubus!

DATUR (o.s.): Down here? But it’s so dark!

ALICE (o.s.): Well, I don’t want to risk overexposing Cassie or Oliver to ultraviolet light.

(ALL look up in confusion, except FERDINAND, who appears to be poring over his character sheet.)

FREEZE FRAME as the camera zooms in on FERDINAND. Superimposed over the shot is a graphic similiar to a White Wolf Game Studios character sheet. Most of the sheet is blurred or too small to read, but DUNGEON MAJESTY is clearly legible in big letters at the top of the sheet. Zoom in on the lower right-hand corner of the sheet, where there is a horizontal line of ten bubbles (like on standardized tests) in a row. Six of the bubbles, starting from the left, are filled in. On the left side of the bubbles is printed DEVOTE LIFE TO PLEASURING DATUR AND FATHERING MANY CHILDREN. On the right side is printed LET HER DOWN GENTLY.

DATUR (o.s.): That seems prudent.

DATUR enters, stepping down the stairs with exaggerated care. She’s holding a large glass casserole dish covered in foil. She smiles nervously at the group.

DATUR: Hello! So, deal me in!

(slight pause)

OLIVER: Who are you?

(DATUR starts, nearly dropping the casserole dish. She is trembling slightly.)

FERDINAND stands, steps to DATUR.

FERDINAND: Here, let me help you with that.

(He takes the dish from her and sets it on the table, on top of some of the papers.)

FERDINAND: Guys, I’ve told you about Datur…

(EVERYONE except DATUR and FERDINAND nods in resigned unison)

DATUR: Well. At last we meet! (forced laughter) I know Ferdinand’s told you all about me, well, it’s all true (forced giggle). I’m here to join the game! I brought aspic.

FERDINAND: So, you didn’t mention that you were gonna…

DATUR: We said we would do more things together!

FERDINAND: Oh, yeah.

QUICK DISSOLVE TO:

Exterior shot, golf course, bright sunny day. FERDINAND and DATUR are teeing off at a short par 4. FERDINAND drives right to the green for a possible eagle. DATUR steps up to the tee.
DATUR POV shot: holding a brown golf ball.

DATUR (v.o.): The clerk at the shop said brown ones go farther.

Back to medium shot.

FERDINAND: I don’t know if that’s true.

DATUR drives, good distance, but hooks badly and the ball disappears into the woods.

DATUR: Ooh! We have to find it!

FERDINAND: It’s out of bounds, just let it go.

DATUR: But I only have one ball!

CUT to FERDINAND and DATUR, disheveled, searching through the woods for the golf ball. The sun sinks low.

FERDINAND: Maybe it bounced…

DATUR: This is fun. We should do more things together.

QUICK DISSOLVE back to Basement.

(Brief freeze frame and superimposition of Ferdinand’s character sheet, as before. Sixth circle becomes empty, with accompanying squeaky-eraser noise.)

DATUR: Let’s see… (to ANDREW) you’re the millionaire shut-in, right? (to ALVIN) And you’re the political hack with the creepy obsession about the girl half his age, right?

ALVIN (taken aback): What? I — hey! (to FERDINAND) I thought we had a party bond!

(Pause, all look at FERDINAND. Sound effect: rolling dice)

FERDINAND: Um, of course we do. (He puts his around around DATUR) We in the party have a bond.

FERDINAND turns to OLIVER.

FERDINAND: This is cool, right?

ANDREW: Majesterium Magazine #12 had an article about this. It says that you shouldn’t let girlfriends into the game, because when they break up with you, they break up the campaign, too.

FERDINAND: Wait, “when?”

ANDREW: What’s more important to you, your relationship or the game?

FERDINAND: Don’t put me on the spot like that.

OLIVER and ANDREW exchange glances.

ANDREW: I guess another body at the table…

FERDINAND: Great.

OLIVER: She’ll need a character.

FERDINAND: Oh? Yeah, I guess so. How about the succubus?

OLIVER: What?

DATUR (doubtful): I don’t know if I like the sound of that. A succubus?

FERDINAND: You’d have batwings! And a brassiere.

OLIVER: Huh?

(DATUR picks up a rulebook, examines it.)

DATUR: Ew! No! She’s a naked, parasitic, oversexualized demoness!(leafing through the book) God, look at all this! All these evil sensualist negative female figures. Life drain… energy drain… 1d4 levels? What’s that (reacting to a picture) ew! That’s not how you think of me, is it? Some kind of life-draining, dark, negative, oversexualized monster-beast she-devil?

(DATUR is trembling again)

FERDINAND: No, no, no, of course not, I don’t see you as a… naked oversexualized demoness. But, you know, batwings are good. For flying. And a brassiere is practical.

DATUR: So I’m just parasitic?

FERDINAND: No! I, look, I, how about you make a character?

ALVIN: But we already have a myrmidon, a thaumaturge, a filcher, and a cleric.

FERDINAND: There are other classes…

OLIVER: Acrobat, raconteur, druid…

FERDINAND: Druid!

OLIVER: They’re like clerics, but they have power over plants. And they shapechange.

ALVIN: Shapechange? Really?

DATUR: Well, it looks like the druid is just like the cleric, but less powerful.

ANDREW: Yeah, pretty much.

DATUR: They can’t use leather or metal armor or turn undead. If I’m going to have armor I certainly want it to be metal. And don’t I deserve to turn undead?

FERDINAND: Well, sure, but…

OLIVER: We already have a cleric.

DATUR: Who’s playing the cleric?

FERDINAND: I’m playing the cleric. Kevin the Cleric. I have a +1 shield now.

DATUR: (whimpers) You never let me have anything of my own.

(Ferdinand’s character sheet: sixth circle becomes filled in again, with pencil-scratching noise.)

DATUR: I know, I know. (sighs) I just hope you’ll learn to be more giving before the baby comes.

(ANDREW does a spit-take. CASSIE, ALVIN, and OLIVER all turn and look at FERDINAND while DATUR blithely continues to skim through Dungeon Majesty supplements. Pause.)

FERDINAND: The baby what? (Ferdinand accents “baby what” as if “baby” were an adjective: baby carrots, baby grand piano, etc.)

OPENING CREDITS