Sometimes I write things

Two black Excrucians roar around a corner and hidden spotlights are flipped on and there’s a dozen men and women in blue FBI windbreakers. Someone with a megaphone shouts “JOHN SILVER! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!”

Jack looks stunned. He puts his hands on his head. He’s blinded by a half-dozen high-power spotlights, all pointed at him. Cassie, in the relative darkness next to him, stands gaping.

Jack opens his mouth to say something –

“Rowrbazzle grr!” The Owlbear charges out of the underbrush at the dozen FBI agents, waving his clawed wings and shouting. He bowls into the crowd of agents, who do not open fire.

The spotlights fly off Jack and scatter randomly as they’re dropped or reoriented towards Enzo. Jack turns to Cassie and gives her a very brief hug. “…Tell your mother I love her,” he says distractedly, then bolts.

Cassie blinks. In the background, the FBI subdues Enzo with nets.

OPENING CREDITS

Ferdinand, no longer soaking wet, the next morning. He’s scrubbed and shaved and wearing clean clothes. Behind the wheel of one of his parents’ cars — his cell phone rings.

“Yeh?”

Split-screen. Andrew is in his basement. Andrew wants to talk to Ferdinand. Great, Ferdinand wants to talk to Alvin. While they’re talking, Ferdinand parks the car and gets out. Andrew makes some vague comment about the weekend while Ferdinand (explaining that he needs Andrew’s help) goes into his house and downstairs. Andrew sheepishly turns off his phone when he sees Ferdinand.

–How did you get in?

–Front door was open. No one around upstairs, so I came on down.

–I’ve told them not to leave the door open.

–Them?

–Mom and Dad. They’re… they’re weird.

–Weird?

–Mom’s into the Voynich manuscript…

–The what?

–She’s a cryptanalyst, and she needs new challenges… And Dad is making a scale model
of Muncie out of milk cartons.

–Really? Does he plan to live inside it when it’s done?

–Of course not.

–Not that weird, then.

–They should keep the door locked. I have valuable things down here!

Andrew looks lovingly at his collection of several thousand pounds of gaming books.

–Are you worried someone will damage your collection? Do you have enemies?

–Maybe I do. I do have enemies.

–Tell me about your enemies.

Andrew opens his mouth and SMASH CUT to a montage of flashbacks to 1.2 Orcs, little scenelets a second long each: the Black Riders, the Antipaladin, et al. In the flashbacks, Andrew kicks their asses with wizardly magic and kung fu. Montage ends with Andrew closing his mouth again.

–Uh-huh. That’s actually not what I’m asking about. I’m talking about Vaempyre.

–I’m getting away from Vaempyre.

–Uh-huh. I need you to tell me all about Vaempyre.

–I’m not really the person to ask…

–No, you are. You may not know everything about the game, but I do know that you know people who do know everything about the game. That knowledge is, if not stored in your brain, at your fingertips. I need you to help me, and I need you to help me by getting me this information. I don’t want to have to set fire to your books, Andrew.

Andrew is getting freaked out, and he moves to protect his stack of Mary Lukas material.

–The person you should be talking to is Morgan.

–No, no, the person apparently you should be talking to is Morgan. I’ve delegated. I trust you to do this for me. Wait. Is Morgan the big fat guy?

–What? No. No, that’s Luculus.

–Luculus. Right. Not him. Don’t jerk me around, here, Andrew.

–Okay. Okay. But I’m saying FenCon.

–FenCon?

–This weekend in Indianapolis! FenCon! The biggest gaming convention in the world!

–Uh-huh.

–Chicks in chainmail bikinis walking around!

–Uh-huh.

–And sometimes you can take their picture!

Andrew shows Ferdinand the FenCon flier. It promises, in addition to Chicks In Chainmail Bikinis Walking Around, a Dealer’s Room, Seminars in Character Development, an Evening With Mary Lukas (Dungeon Majesty Co-Creator), Nonstop Gaming, and many many more.

–There’s gaming?

–We can go! We can game this weekend!

–We can game any weekend.

–But we can game for seventy hours straight!

–Again, we can do that whenever.

–In a hotel!

–There are hotels here.

–Lots of different games! People from all over the world!

–Vaempyre?

–Yeah, Vaempyre, sure, there’s the Dark Conclave…

–Okay. Tomorrow?

–Tomorrow morning, we get two large coffees and two dozen Krispy Kremes, and it’s an hour away but we can get there in forty minutes.

–Okay. I can work with this. I need you to condense your Vaempyre knowledge into a - forty minute? - forty minute lecture. Tomorrow morning.

–Datur will be there!

–I got that, yeah.

From somewhere above, Andrew’s mother Nancy calls down to him. “Andrew, honey, there’s an older woman here to see you!”

CUT to the Lauros, sitting in a row of narrow chairs in a hallway in some institution.

ALICE: They’re going to want to question us separately. Remember, you don’t know Jack. He’s a stranger to you. You don’t know Enzo. You don’t even know of them. We’re normal.

CASSIE and OLIVER nod, slowly.

ALICE: Say as little as possible. Answer “Yes” or “No.” Do not volunteer information under any circumstances. They may… they will try to trick you. Do not respond to hypothetical questions. Do not say anything about Jack. Do not volunteer information. Do not make jokes. Do not try to be clever. Just sit quietly and answer “Yes” or “No.” Don’t be intimidated. They can’t talk to you without me present. Don’t say anything if I’m not present.

CASSIE and OLIVER are a little freaked out.

CUT to the Lauros on one side of a conference table. Two FBI agents are on the other side.

They ask why Cassie was out walking with a man she didn’t know. Cassie explains that she was out, alone, and then she got lost, but she has her address written in her coat, see? and the man gave her directions and was showing her how to get home. She doesn’t know him.

Alice doesn’t know him.

Oliver doesn’t know him.

So Alice knows him? No, no she doesn’t.

But Cassie does, right? No.

And does she know the man in the bear suit? The FBI agents push over a black-and-white mug shot of Enzo, the Owlbear. She does not.

Is it actually a bear suit? It looks like a bear on the bottom and an owl on the top. The FBI agents confer, then one writes down “Bear: bottom. Owl: top?”

The conversation changes tack away from Jack and towards Enzo. Apparently he’s in custody and he’s not talking. The “Bear-Owl” suit was handmade — Alice makes things by hand — they have Hobby Lobby receipts! Did Alice make the “Bear-Owl” suit?

No.

Let’s go over it again. You’re saying you know this man?

No.

Okay, wait, I’m confused. You do know him, right?

No.

Oliver keeps opening his mouth, but then Cassie elbows him and he closes it again. Eventually Alice and Cassie’s stubborn denials placate the FBI. They let the Lauros go, but caution them not to leave town.

As soon as they’re back in their car, Alice turns to her son. “Oliver,” she says, “I want you to leave town.”

As they drive, Alice explains that children are the weak link in a situation like this. She pulls up in front of the Latta house, parks, and tells Cassie and Oliver to wait inside.

“Andrew, honey!” Nancy helpfully calls down the stairs. “There’s an older woman here to see you!”

Downstairs Andrew is furiously looking for a reflective surface so he can fix his hair, and Ferdinand is expositing on the importance of learning as much about Vaempyre as quickly as possible.

“Alice, hi,” says Ferdinand when he sees her. “I was just leaving…”

“Oh, hello Mrs. Lauro,” Andrew says, deflating slightly.

“Andrew, I need to talk to you.” Alice is a little curt. “This concerns you, too, Ferdinand.”

Ferdinand feels he has many things to do, but on the other hand, he likes Alice, so he stays a few minutes extra.

“There’s this thing, FenCon, Oliver was talking about it…”

Andrew is taken aback; he didn’t realize Alice knew about FenCon. “Yes, we were just talking about that. It’s this weekend…”

“I know,” Alice says. “I want you to take Oliver.”

Andrew does a double take. “You do? I mean, that’s great, but I just assumed you wouldn’t want Oliver to go…”

“He should get out of town for a while,” Alice says. “A lot has happened lately. And I trust you.”

“You do?” Andrew is touched.

Ferdinand notices that Alice made a point of addressing Andrew specifically with that “you,” but doesn’t react.

The pneumatic tube system in the corner suddenly rattles and shakes and a tube pops into the basket. Andrew opens it up and reads the note:

ANDREW: Your friend Ferdinand is here. DAD.

“So it’s this weekend,” says Andrew, all distracted. Another pneumatic tube arrives.

ANDREW: There’s something wrong with the pneumatic tube system. DAD.

“Yes,” Alice says. “You can pick him up tomorrow morning — eight o’clock?”

“Great,” says Andrew.

“Good, good. See you then.” Alice turns to leave.

“But no coffee! Or doughnuts!” she says over her shoulder as she starts climbing the stairs.

“No ma’am!” Andrew says.

“???” asks Ferdinand.

“None for her,” Andrew whispers to him conspiratorially.

“I heard that!” Alice calls.

“Well, I gotta get out of here,” Ferdinand says. “Now, don’t forget about Vaempyre. I’m willing to shoulder some of the responsibility in re Oliver, but.”

Andrew is all “wait a second” on account of he’s got “issues” he wants to discuss with someone and apparently Ferdinand is “there” and the “party bond” goes “both ways.”

And Ferdinand is all “I have a lot of stuff to do” but also “I like Andrew” so…

At some point later, Ferdinand is in the break room of the sewage treatment plant, talking to Mike.

–Okay, listen, I need your help. Don’t answer yet. This is very important to me, and if you don’t help me and then I fail, I’m going to blame you. And I won’t have anything else in my life but blaming you, so I’ll devote myself full-time to revenge. It’ll cost you your job, your peace of mind, your family’s well-being. I’ll turn your church away from you. I’ll feed antifreeze to your dog. The house where you were born, I’ll burn that sucker down. I’ll salt your earth and I’ll eat your babies. Okay, answer now.

–Dude! I said yes already! Quit it! You’re freaking me out!

–Great. I need to borrow your car for the weekend. I’m going to Indianapolis.

–Why do you need my car?

–Mike, what did I just say about eating your babies? I said I’d do it.

–Gah, take the keys, just go!

–Excellent, thanks. Now, you understand there’s a slim but nonzero chance the car could burst into flames.

–What?

–I want you to know that the car might explode while I’m using it. I probably wouldn’t be in it. Probably.

–Are you serious?

–Eat your babies, Mike.

–You’re really freaking me out, man.

–Do I look like someone concerned about your mental health or do I look like someone who is going to eat your babies?

–Ferdinand…

–Mike. I need the car. Give it to me.

–I think Jenny needs it this weekend. Can’t you use your parents… or, man, you work in a dealership!

–No, no, that won’t work. They’d get recognized.

–Shouldn’t you be working, instead of scaring me?

–I quit. Soon enough they’ll stop mailing me paychecks.

–What?

–Your car.

–No!

–Dude.

–No!

–All right, but if I fail, it’s your family that will suffer.

–You’re being funny, right?

–Are you laughing?

Andrew calls a family meeting.

Flashback: the last Latta family meeting. 1982. Li’l Andrew tells his parents they need to buy him a computer.

Andrew needs the car for the weekend. They’re going to Indianapolis, to FenCon, and his Segway will only go six or seven miles, tops.

Nancy and Adam would love to help, honey, but… they don’t have a car. They haven’t had a car for eleven years.

CUT to early the next morning. Andrew, Ferdinand, and Oliver pile into Morgan DarkChylde’s gothed-out van. It’s all black shag and no seat belts and old Vaempyre supplements under the seats and loose ten-siders rattling around and a funny smell that all the clove cigarettes in the world won’t mask.