Sometimes I write things

The Klotz back yard: big and green. Pan down from a sunny sky to Ferdinand and Mike, who appear to be playing Frisbee Golf. John C. Reilly plays Mike Malloy, a technical supervisor at a waste treatment plant. Mike and Ferdinand went to high school together. Afterwards Ferdinand went to film school and Mike married Jennifer, another high school friend, and settled down. They’ve reconnected, now that Ferdinand is in Muncie.

Ferdinand is lining up his shot. He’s dressed differently than in the last scene, so it’s at least the next day. If he’s concerned about his imminent fatherhood, he isn’t showing it. In fact he’s pitching another documentary idea.

“Golf. What is golf? Why do we play golf? What’s golf, fundamentally, for? See, I think golf is basically made up of like three parts. The first part is the actual hitting of the actual golf ball into the actual hole.”

“Uh-huh.” Mike isn’t exactly interested in Ferdinand’s pitch, but he’s listening.

“The second part is the walking around on a really nice lawn, and the third part is drinking.” Ferdinand throws, and lands his Frisbee directly in the center of the plastic garbage can lid he was aiming for.

“Uh…” Mike gets ready to throw, but can’t completely focus while Ferdinand is talking.

“Drinking, yeah, because like no one ever plays golf completely sober.”

“I guess.” Mike doesn’t play golf.

“So what I’m saying is, a movie about the Muncie Junior Teen Golf Tournament. All the beauty and grace of golf, the excitement of the competition… so what I’m asking is, do you know anyone twelve to fifteen who plays golf, or would be interested in learning?”

Mike takes advantage of the pause to throw his Frisbee. It lands a good ten feet away from the lid. “I don’t think kids that age would be able to drink.”

Ferdinand nods. This hasn’t occurred to him. “Oh, yeah, yeah. So, then, the Muncie Seniors Masters Golf Tournament. Do you know anyone over seventy who plays golf, or would be interested in learning?”

Whether Mike does or doesn’t is an issue not resolved at this time, as he and Ferdinand are distracted by the bursting forth of Elena Klotz and a small army of white-gloved caterers from out the house. The caterers bear various black-and-white party supplies, which under Elena’s supervision they begin to set up.

Tent goes here! Ice sculpture goes there! Folding chairs here! Bandstand there! Buffet tables here, here, and here! Elena is plainly in her element.

“Mom? Do you have to do this now? Mike and I are playing Frisbee golf.” Ferdinand calls over to his mother, but this does not yield a cessation to the massive garden-party-preparation activities. Instead Elena emits a delighted coo and bustles over to them.

“Hello, Mrs. Klotz,” Mike says, “long time no see,” but beyond a vague nod, he’s ignored.

“There you are, excellent,” Elena tells Ferdinand. “I’ve heard the good news!”

Ferdinand smiles, because he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. “Really?”

“Yes! I thought the party would be the perfect time to announce it.”

“The party?”

“Yes, you remember, the fund-raiser for the Axis War Memorial.”

“Oh, yeah,” says Ferdinand. Mike looks confused. “To honor the citizens of Muncie who fought on the side of the Axis powers during World War II,” Ferdinand explains.

“Ferdinand’s grandfather was in the Luftwafte,” Elena says.

“He won an Iron Cross,” Ferdinand adds.

“But,” Elena says in a back-to-the-matter-at-hand manner, “the party is also the perfect time to announce the big news!”

“I think I have that Iron Cross in a box in my closet…” Ferdinand muses.

“Huh?” Mike asks. “What news?”

“Wait until the party!” Elena playfully scolds Mike. “It’s going to be a big surprise.”

“How did you find out about it?” Ferdinand asks, hoping that this will enable him to learn what the news is.

“Oh, Jack told me, of course,” Elena says. “In fact, maybe Jack should be the one to announce the news!”

“Maybe so!” agrees Ferdinand, who now appears to have an inkling of what the news is.

“You should invite all your friends, even the weird ones. And Mike, here,” Elena tells him. “Saturday at six.”

“Saturday at six,” Ferdinand repeats.

“Oh, but, if you don’t mind… don’t invite that one girl, the one who killed my begonias? Great.” Elena pats Ferdinand on the cheek, then spins around and goes back to hectoring caterers.

Ferdinand looks thoughtful. “Datur?”

Sound effect: dice rolling, as we cut to:

In the Magic Bean, Millie and Cassie are on duty. While Cassie works in the background, Millie converses with Alvin. Alvin tells Millie that he likes Cassie, that he considers her a good friend, and he’s concerned. Or maybe not concerned. But maybe he is. See, Alvin continues, he has a friend his age, who has a thing for Cassie. He really likes her. And maybe that’s not cool, maybe Alvin should step in.

Uh-huh, says Millie. What kind of guy is this guy? What does he want from Cassie?

Well not so much Cassie, Alvin says, so much as Cassie a few, several, years from now. And he has nothing but the best of intentions; he simply enjoys her company, he likes conversing with her, and it’s rare, he (Alvin’s friend) thinks, that kind of connection happens… through talking…

With Cassie? Millie asks, in a slightly skeptical way as if to imply that while Cassie has a great many fine qualities, the gift of gab isn’t exactly one of them. Well, what does Cassie think? How does she feel about this guy?

Oh see that’s part of the problem, Alvin stammers, I don’t know how she feels about him.

Then let’s find out. Cassie! Millie calls Cassie over. Cassie, I want to ask you, and answer frankly and honestly, how do you feel about Alvin’s friend…

There’s a pause, and Millie turns to Alvin with an expectant “what’s your friend’s name?” sort of look.

Alvin grimaces; he’s on the spot. “Alvin,” he says reluctantly.

Cassie doesn’t know what on earth is going on, and as much as says so.

Alvin, Millie says. You were being deceitful. Deceit is a terrible thing. Honesty is the foundation of all my lasting relationships. A relationship I build on deceit can only end in divorce.

Alvin apologizes, excuses himself, and promises not to come into the Magic Bean again, and leaves before Millie can say anything. Cassie would say something, but she’s distracted by the sudden appearance of Dale.

Dale has something for her — a plastic bag filled with water.

Cassie holds it up to the light, and sees a pair of goldfish swimming in the bag. Ooh! she says, her buttons pushed. Wait, there’s something else in the bag. There’s a key sitting on the bottom of the bag.

There might be a key in the bag, Dale says knowingly.

There is, there’s definitely a key in the bag, Cassie says, and shows it to him.

It might be the key to the back gate of the Ball State outdoor pool, Dale says in the same knowing tone.

Oho, says Cassie, catching his drift at last.

You know the pool’s completely deserted by ten o’clock on Saturday nights?

Is it? Cassie asks, staring at the fish. That’s so interesting.

Dale has to go. Maybe he’ll see her around… somewhere.

Cut to:

Andrew, in his basement, takes a few deep breaths, then picks up the phone and calls the 20×20 Room. He doesn’t think he could bear going down there in person, but the telephone provides a layer of insulation and security. The clerk (”Natural 20″) answers the phone. Andrew panics and hangs up. Then he takes a few more deep breaths and tries again. The clerk answers the phone, again, and Andrew asks if the Guide to Hunting Druids is in stock. Just a moment, Mr. Latta, I’ll check, the clerk says. Andrew almost slams the phone down then and there, but manages to hold onto it. He’s aware that Caller ID exists, and that the 20×20 Room could easily have it.

The clerk tells him that yes, it just came in, would he like to reserve a copy? Andrew would love to reserve a copy. Great, she says, just come down to the store and pick it up, I’ll keep it behind the counter for you.

Come down to the store? Andrew doesn’t want to come down to the store. Can’t she just, say, leave it in a box outside the store and he’ll pick it up after the store closes?

The clerk says she can’t do that.

All right, says Alvin. I’ll be down there tonight.

Looking forward to seeing you, Mr. Latta, the clerk says.

FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK.