Sometimes I write things

The business traveler will find many savory delights within the expansive confines of the space-efficient Hong Kong International Terminal. The following is only a partial listing of the many services and venues available.

Hotel Jete du Beaumarche - This grand four-star, two thousand bed hotel provides the finest possible experience for the weary traveler. Amenities include a sauna, exercise room, bar, duty-free liquor store, dry cleaning, and a complimentary ticket to concierge Jonathon (”Commander Riker”) Frakes’s nightly magic show. Located in the Beaumarche Tower.

The House of Blues - The best possible American-style blues music, jazz entertainment, and American-style barbeque. Hosted by Herman and Weevil Blues. Live music nightly. Reservations not required. Located in the Purple Bay Cemetery (fine weather) or the lobby of the Hong Kong City Management Building Three (inclement weather).

Starbucks South - Fine imported coffees and pastries. Starbucks is not just a shop, it is a lifestyle! Coffee Sanguine-Americana available seasonally. Conveniently located in the orchestra pit of the Jade Monkey Opera House.

Three Palms Country Club, International Terminal Driving Range - By popular demand, one of the ten iterations of the Three Palms Country Club’s driving range has been relocated within the International Terminal. Call in advance!

The Tsarist Counterrevolutionary Bar - This locally-owned and operated club (est. 1918) hosts nightly live music and one of the best-stocked bars in the world. Reservations not required. Located on the Imperial Bridge observation deck (fine weather) or the lobby of the Hong Kong City Management Building Three (inclement weather).

The Soviet Embassy - To aid in the speedy resolution of all travel-associated bureaucratic concerns, the Soviet Embassy has been relocated to within the International Terminal. Tours at noon daily.

Colonel Taliaferro’s Cavalcade of Nature’s Horrors - The finest freak show outside the lost city of Galveston, Texas, America, this onetime-Chicago-based circus of oddities provides sights that shock, delight, and astound. Located between the ninth and tenth holes of the Three Palms Country Club (fine weather) or the grand ballroom of the Soviet Embassy (inclement weather).

Starbucks Central - Fine imported coffees and pastries. Starbucks is not just a shop, it is a lifestyle! Coffee Sanguine-Americana available seasonally. Conveniently located on the vessel Intemperate Gluttony on the Purple River.

Garden of Ineffable Gentlemanly Delights - For the discerning business traveler in need of discreet relaxation. All major credit cars accepted.

St. Phocias the Digger Catholic Hospital - This efficient clinic serves the needs of the International Terminal’s rare injured, and boasts a fully-functional OR and a well-stocked pharmacy. All denominations welcome. Fees on a sliding scale. Located transiently in the unused conference rooms of the Solvation Business Solutions office park.

American Funtime Burger Palace - Opened in the wake of America’s disappearance, this “tribute restaurant” provides all the food, fun, and jingoism of a typical American dining establishment. Curly fries a house specialty. No magic, please. Open from 1800 to 0300 only. Located in the afterhours of the IUP Department Store (second floor, men’s formal and casual clothing, electronics).

Office of Customs, Duties, and Habits - The traveler who desires entry into Hong Kong proper, or who wishes to register comments, complaints, or compliments regarding the array of services available within the Terminal, shall find his journey begins here. Located in temporary facilities on the roof of the International Library of Grains.

The Lady’s Place of Sublime Pleasures of Water - For the discerning business traveler in need of discreet relaxation. All major credit cars accepted.

Office of Administration and Excision - The traveler who desires entry into Hong Kong proper, or who wishes to register comments, complaints, or compliments regarding the array of services available within the Terminal, shall find his journey begins here. Located in temporary facilities in the chapel (deconsecrated) of the former All Children Must Learn Pain hospital and clinic.

Elephant Man Studios - This independent film studio has produced such works as Shoe Leather, Shoe Leather III, the Satin Man’s Bride, and Tell Them I’ll Be Late (winner of the Golden Goose award at the Hong Kong International Terminal Film Festival). Located on the former site of the Business Selectric Warehouse.

University of Hong Kong, International Terminal Campus - As the International Terminal has become something of a hub for scientific expeditions, the University of Hong Kong recently relocated a branch campus to within the airport. Full academic services available to visiting faculty and researchers.

Weebly’s - Finest possible men’s and women’s clothing. No children. No magic. Located in the Beaumarche Tower.

Starbucks East - Fine imported coffees and pastries. Starbucks is not just a shop, it is a lifestyle! Coffee Sanguine-Americana available seasonally. Conveniently located adjacent to the cistern in the Temple of One Saint and Nine Devils.